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| *Strength and Freedom*Something we were withholding made us weak, until we found it was ourselves (Robert Frost).
I read this quote today, and something about it resonated in me. Growing up, I was led to believe that I did almost everything right and rarely failed. I didn't learn how to fail at all. In fact, I spent many years of my life beating myself up when I wasn't "perfect." A prime example is that I spent 60+ hours doing one school project in 7th grade, and still thought that I had not done "my best."
"My best." My mom repeatedly said to me, "I only expect you to do your best." But to me, that meant that I had to do everything the best I could. I always believed that I could do more, do better, if I had more time or worked harder. I pushed and pushed myself to exhaustion many times. I do not fault my mom, at all. Her expectation was appropriate; it was my distortion of what she said that was a problem.
I was well into college before I realized that doing my best, meant accepting the limitations that I had. Sometimes limitations are in the form of time or energy. I had to learn how to prioritize and balance my time better. I had to learn to accept "good enough" on things that were less important (or in terms of school, things that were worth less points). In grad school, I finally had to tell myself, "a 'B' is okay." I got a few "B's" in classes where I truly did my best.
My unrealistic expectation of myself, the belief that I could do everything to my best ability (all the time), was a great weakness. It was not healthy for me or those around me. Additionally, I can honestly say that I was not learning as much as I could have if I hadn't put such pressure on myself. I didn't learn as much as I would have if I had valued learning more than the outcome, and if I had allowed myself the freedom to be "good enough" instead of "the best."
Learning the concept of "good enough" has changed my life in many ways. I have learned to set appropriate boundaries with my time and energy. I have learned to learn instead of get good grades. I have learned that the pressure I felt was inside myself, rather than from others (which is where I thought the pressure was coming from). Some things do need to be done at "my best," but not everything has to be so. And finding the freedom to be "good enough" has allowed me to be authentically me.
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| *Considering*- I've been thinking about blogging quite a bit lately.
- I've not done it because I'm not sure if I should continue writing here or start somewhere else.
- Xanga is a very sentimental place for me.
- I started writing here over 6 years ago.
- I've met some really good friends here.
- I've never experienced the drama that I know many have.
- But I'm feeling the need to "grow up."
- I've changed so much since I started here at Xanga:
- I'm (obviously) 6 years older...almost out of my 20s.
- I've moved from Florida to Pennsylvania.
- And I've moved twice since I moved back to Pennsylvania.
- I've finished undergrad, started and finished grad school.
- And now I'm working as a professional.
- I've been challenged, stretched, and grown in my faith.
- I've changed from being a blind "rule follower" to living "freedom in Christ."
- I've gone from being a stay-at-home wife/student to a full-time+ professional therapist.
- I longed for a baby, mourned my infertility, and am now (for now) contentedly without children.
- Maybe all this change is a reason to stay and keep "my history" in one place.
- Or maybe it's time to move on.
- I'm not sure.
- I do know that I really desire to write more frequently somewhere.
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| *Quote*"Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die." ~Malachy McCourt | | |
| *Weekend Felicities*I keep forgetting to do Friday Felicities, so I will do weekend felicities this week instead.
Here are the things that made me happy this weekend:
- 2 whole days with Sean!
- Sleeping in.
- Coffee.
- Used books.
- Whoopie pie.
- Playing Rock Band with Sean and our friends.
- Shopping and getting a new sweater set and pink Crocs ($10 off!).
- Laughter.
- Spending the day with friends.
- Breakfast buffet.
- Church.
- Celebrity Apprentice.
- Painting my fingernails.
- Cuddling with my kitties.
- Facebook.
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| *Michelle's World*- I am listening to a book on CD while I drive to work.
- It's I am Charlotte Simmons by Thomas Wolfe.
- It is reminding me of when I first went to college and felt so lost and clueless.
- It's about a girl from the hills of North Carolina going to (what is essentially) an Ivy League university.
- She's poor.
- Her family loves her, but is so different from those around her.
- She's not sure what to think of the people she goes to school with because they are so different than those at "home."
- I wasn't as naive when I went to the Ivy League university I went to,
- But it was a culture shock to me in many ways.
- I felt like I didn't belong.
- I felt like everyone around me understood things that I didn't.
- I'm only on CD #4 (out of 25), so I'm not sure where the story is going.
- ((Although, I suspect the outcome will be that she is 'corrupted' and makes poor choices.))
- I often think about my time at the university where I went.
- I regret that I didn't take better advantage of the opportunities that I had there.
- I wish that I had studied harder.
- I wish I had gotten involved in a wider variety of activities.
- I was not prepared for Ivy League life.
- I didn't have to study in high school,
- So, unfortunately, I didn't know how to really challenge my mind and learn.
- What else is going on in my life?
- I still love my job.
- Of course there are times when I get frustrated.
- But I do love it.
- I love the people I work with.
- I love the challenges.
- I love the variety.
- I love the clients and their families (even when I get frustrated with them).
- I am glad that "Lie to Me" and "Criminal Minds" are new tonight.
- I find it hard to believe that it's almost May.
- I often feel disoriented with regards to time, such as day of the week, month of the year.
- I think it's because time goes by so fast.
- It also has to do with the fact that I focus on what is right in front of me and do what needs to be done.
- This is a change that I've made over the past few years, and it's a change that I like.
- I like living in the Present, instead of ruminating/missing the Past or worrying about the Future.
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